fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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