Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
