Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
