did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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