i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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