I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
