I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
