you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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