you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
