Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
