im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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