a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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