Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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