she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
