Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
