I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
