theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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