Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
