my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
