i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
