I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I want her autograph on my taint
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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