You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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