Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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