I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
