I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
