I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
