areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
