my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
