So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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