Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
