Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Randomize
