i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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