Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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