He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
