I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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