It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
