The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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