OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
