Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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