so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
