I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
