My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
