he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You don't make any sense
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