I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
