i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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