I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
