I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
