He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
