so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think my fart just growled at me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
