Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
