Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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